I’m Gen X, and never married, so I’ve had a lot of relationships.
Because I’m reaching an age where I wish to give back, I want to share three things I’ve learned, and believe will benefit anybody: be you young, old, single, married, and/or anywhere in between.
1. Integrate your shadow self
If you don’t know about Carl Jung, he is well worth investing cycles of your time.
One of his most useful concepts is that of the shadow self. We are each capable of horrendously evil things: Murder, rape, stealing, lying, cheating, rage, cruelty, you name it. This potential for darkness is our shadow self.
There are three ways of dealing with your shadow self:
1. Repressing it. Acting as though it doesn’t exist, or using tremendous pride and/or willpower to suppress it. Think an archetypical Catholic schoolgirl, or Hannah Montana, or nice guy incel. “I’m a good person!” is a typical self-delusion that suggests the shadow self is being repressed. This person is very dangerous, because sooner or later, the lid will flip. And it won’t be pretty.
2. Being consumed by it. This is a person whose shadow self has taken over. This includes your unfriendly neighborhood serial killer, mother who hates her children, addict, repeatedly cheating spouse, domestic abuser, lawyer who thrives on fucking others out of their money, bitter failure, people-slaughtering dictator, and James Bond villain. They have lost control.
3. Integrating it. This is the hardest thing most of us will ever do. It requires facing your demons, accepting them, and either resolving your inner imbalances to the point where these demons go away, or learning to live with them and use them as your servant instead of your master. Somebody who has integrated their shadow self, is the only person who can be trusted.
The Shadow is a far more elaborate concept than I can fully cover in 1/3 of a Medium article. Some people have mild shadows, while others have terribly powerful shadows. Examples of who I believe have integrated their shadow selves include Jocko Willink, Nelson Mandela (the man not the legend), and Imaculee Ilibigiza.
So what does this have to do with relationships? For starters, the single person who has truly integrated their shadow self has such a huge advantage over other single people, it’s not even fair.
Additionally, the level of drama that will exist, or be tolerated, by a person who is integrated in this way, is leagues or infinitely lower than somebody who is operating in one of the first two modes.
I can safely say that my relationships have been easier to find & start, been more harmonious during, and resulted in more amicable breakups, the more work I have done on integrating my shadow self.
2. Become great in at least one sex skill
Not good, GREAT.
Fellas, it really doesn’t matter if you have a small dick. Or too big a dick. At the end of the night, your woman will go to sleep happy in your arms if you are GREAT with your fingers, your dick, or your tongue. Pick one. Become great at using it. Thank me later.
And the same for you ladies. If you are fantastic at blowjobs, it doesn’t matter how boring of a lay you might be. And vice versa. If you’re great at moving your bedonkadonk, I promise someone will appreciate it.
Of course, the more versatile and varied you can be with your intimate activities, the more interesting and spicy things will be and remain. If you want to be an absolute sex master, I’m sure no one will complain. But start with one skill.
“Make love not war” in relationships is so much easier when partners are GREAT at taking care of each other’s needs.
Sex isn’t everything. But, it’s a lot.
Need. I. Say. More.
3. Learn to communicate
This gets the “well, duh…” award.
But it is still that important.
Communication is a skill. It is not a natural result of chemistry, and it is not something that can be taken for granted.
This is partly why so many first-love marriages fail. Because when somebody has no practice in fucking things up and starting over, they haven’t learned the skills to navigate a relationship through rough patches — which all serious relationships have.
I was probably as bad at romantic communication as any post-adolescent person I ever met. Partly because I was quite un-integrated with my shadow self, but also because I had no real practice.
Since then, I’ve improved. But things were still not easy. I’ve had relationships where my partner went batshit haywire, to Carrie Bradshaw proportions, for seemingly no reason at all. And, I experienced myself go batshit haywire — because I finally met a person who lined up with many items on my checklist and I couldn’t contain myself. It would not be the only reason, nor the last time.
In terms of formal communication methodologies, until you no longer need them, I personally like Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication. I also lean heavily on the 5 Love Languages, and sometimes Attachment Styles (every relationship seems to have one partner lean avoidant, and the other lean anxious). The Way of the Superior Man was useful for me at the time.
I don’t believe in “active listening” or other actions that feel like mechanical exercises in couples’ therapy. Most other formalized relationship advice, I throw out the window.
My favorite communication is non-verbal. And by that I mean, when we are not saying anything. Just holding each other, listening to our hearts beat, and being comfortable with each other. If you meet somebody with whom you “don’t-talk” well, there is a good chance they’re a keeper.
Good luck.
