I'm in a loving relationship now, with a woman who specifically chose me because I'm not a jerk. So maybe this lends me a perspective?

A lot of men AND women use relationships to re-play out their childhoods. A man whose father was a batterer, is more likely to find women willing to put up with it. The daughter of a battered woman, will feel more comfortable with a man who is capable of battering.

My theory is that people are looking for a cathartic healing, that they never got early on.

Don't get me wrong; Domestic Violence is a CRIME. And it should be prosecuted as such. But it's usually not.

As for "nice guys" / incels...my gf has told me she chose me because I'm not too much of a nerd. She wanted a man who was in his heart, and not in his head. I am actually very nice, and she likes this. But she also knows I don't need her for my emotional survival. The fact that I have a clue about emotional intelligece, is why we are together. Most passive aggressive "nice guys" probably don't - I certainly didn't, earlier in my life, and yes I used to feel sexually frustrated. I am 100% convinced the two are correlated.